What is the mental load?

Where the term comes from

In 1984, French sociologist Monique Haicault wrote about “la charge mentale,” the mental load, carried by working women who also ran the home. She described the constant strain of fitting the job’s hours and the family’s hours together.

In May 2017, French cartoonist Emma posted a comic about it called “You Should’ve Asked.” The title is the point: when one partner waits to be asked, the other one has to notice, plan and ask. The comic later came out in English as a book, The Mental Load.

In 2019, sociologist Allison Daminger gave the idea a research name, cognitive labor. From 70 interviews with members of 35 couples, she found four parts: anticipating needs, identifying options, making decisions and monitoring progress.

What it looks like in a school week

Daminger’s four parts, in one ordinary week. Each step is small. Carrying all of them at once is the load.

• Anticipate: on Sunday night, you remember picture day is Thursday and the good shirt is in the wash.
• Identify: the field trip needs a bag lunch, so you work out what to pack and whether there’s bread.
• Decide: soccer or swim this season? You compare the practice times and the costs, then pick.
• Monitor: on Wednesday morning, you check whether the permission slip went back, and the $12 with it.
• And the small stuff in between: the spirit week email, the dentist’s recall card, the RSVP for Saturday’s party.

Who carries it

In Daminger’s study, women did more of the cognitive labor overall, and more of the anticipating and monitoring in particular. Decisions came out close to even.

A 2019 study of 393 US mothers who were married or partnered, most of them upper-middle class, found the same tilt. Asked who organizes the family’s schedules, 88% answered “mostly me.” Asked who knows the kids’ teachers, 78% gave the same answer. Feeling responsible for most of this work was linked to strain on mothers’ well-being and lower satisfaction with their relationship.

None of this is about who cares more. Daminger found the work often goes unseen by the person doing it and by their partner, which makes it a frequent source of conflict for couples. You can’t share a job nobody has named.

How families share it

The fix isn’t more effort from the parent already carrying it. It’s making the work visible, then handing over whole jobs.

1. Write it down together. Take 20 minutes to list every recurring kid job, from school forms to shoe sizes.
2. Hand over whole jobs, not tasks. “You own field trips” covers the email, the slip, the money and the lunch. “Can you sign this?” leaves the noticing where it was.
3. Put one name on each job, where both of you can see it. A shared list beats two memories.
4. Share the information, too. Put both adults on the school’s email list, so the owner has what they need without asking.
5. Check in once a week. Look at the next 7 days together, and swap jobs when a week gets heavy.